March 8, 2017
by Hannah Lang
by Hannah Lang
You know that moment right before you cry, right before the tears spill over your eyes? That split second is scary and uncomfortable and vulnerable. At that point, there is no holding back or stopping the inevitable weep session. That moment before the floodgates open- that’s the best way I can describe where I’m at currently.
Nick and I are in the process of adopting two beautiful twins. They are thousands of miles away from us and my love for them is stretched across the oceans. I feel a pull inside my chest that I believe God put there. The undertaking of adoption is like hope and excitement jumbled together with uncertainty and doubt. It’s coming alive with joy, but also fearing heartbreak. After all, what if it doesn’t work out, and these babies don’t come home to me? The journey is complex, incredible, hard, risky, life-changing, and beautiful.
Lately, I have been seeing the overlap between the adoption and the 500+ mile pilgrimage that Nick and I took on El Camino del Santiago in May 2015. When we began, I felt ready, exhilarated, excited, and nervous. The anticipation of completing such a hike felt overwhelming, but since we got to do it together, it felt more possible somehow. There were moments on the Camino that I felt pure bliss- breathing in crisp air on the top of mountains, walking through quaint Spanish towns, meeting lifelong friends from all over the world, and drinking regional wine. However, there were many times when the journey felt too difficult to go on. My feet ached like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Often times, I laid flat on my back (on the side of some mountain), looked up into the sky and thought, why did I ever decide to do this? Tears were so common that Nick got used to telling me to, “cry and walk” as we went along. Through all this pain though, I knew in my heart that I had to complete the entire trek. I was not going to quit.
It was in those moments that God spoke to me. I started to believe that I could actually do hard things. I realized that He had been preparing me for this journey long before I knew. I have found that the funny thing about journeys is that what you think is the “end” rarely is the end! Journeys like this are surprising, challenging, and freeing. I know now that God has been preparing my heart for this adoption journey for a long time- putting every little detail in place so that when the time was right, I would be ready.
Many questions still circle my mind, because this journey isn’t over, but one in particular stays with me. Should I open my heart fully even at the risk of great pain and heartbreak? Every time I come to this question, I remind myself: that’s exactly what love looks like. God’s love for us is relentless, at the risk of heartbreak everyday! That’s the kind of love I need and the kind I want for my children.
So, we keep trekking.
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”
1 John 4:18a
*Not only is Hannah Lang the wife of Mission Church’s outward focus pastor, but she is the proud owner of Selah Tucson, a local aesthetics salon in the heart of downtown. She wants her readers to know that she’s “just a regular woman who is really trying to love God and love people with everything she has!”*